Do You Insure Eight-Year-Old Drivers?"
by Me
Summary: A telemarketer calls at the end of Episode 064, "Honey, I Broke the House," by Kim Weiskopf. He gets the runaround big time.


Note: Episode 064, "Honey, I Broke the House," my favorite "Full House" episode, was written by Kim Weiskopf. The concept, Danny's lines at the beginning, and D.J.'s one comment to Danny were and are hers, my notion is just a little twist on what happened at the end of and right after the episode. I don't like rudely hanging up on telemarketers, they get enough meanness and I think they need some laughs. I wish I could do all of the lines to this salesman, including voices, without laughing, but I never can; I can just say there's a car in my kitchen, then I have to say I'm not interested or I start laughing. However, I can write about it.  
  
"DO YOU INSURE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD DRIVERS?"  
  
Danny Tanner, a neat freak if there ever was one, continued to stare in disbelief at his middle daughter. The eight-year-old, Stephanie, had just confesssed to backing his best friend Joey's car into the kitchen. And, to think that he'd been worried about excess crumbs just a few hours ago, when he'd waxed the floor before she'd come home from school!  
  
"Right now," he declared angrily, "I want you to go up to your room while I decide what I'm going to do with you. D.J., take her upstairs, and make sure she doesn't skip the country," he spouted to his thirteen-year- old daughter.  
  
He sighed as Joey Gladstone wept over his now heavily damaged auto. He wished his wife, Pam, were here. She'd be there to talk to Stephanie, and maybe give him ideas on what to do. But, Pam had died in an auto accident three years earlier. D.J. would have to calm Stephanie, and maybe clue him in a little on Stephanie's attitude.  
  
Joey lived with the Tanners now, as did Pam's younger brother, Jesse Katsopolis. But, Joey had finished crying and was now playing with Michelle, Danny's youngest daughter, age three. And, before Danny could turn to Jesse to bounce ideas off of him, Jesse had gone to answer the phone.  
  
"Talk to me," said Jesse as he cradled the receiver in his hand.  
  
"Yes, is Mr. or Mrs. Tanner there, please," spoke the caller.  
  
Jesse knew Danny would not be ready to take a call; not while he had so much on his mind. Besides, he was a member of the family, too. He could easily handle this. If it was something about the TV show Danny hosted, then he could take a message and also give it to Danny's co-host, Jesse's girlfriend Rebecca.  
  
Therefore, Jesse said, "He's a little busy right now, is there a message?"  
  
"Well, this is Billy Humes. . . . "  
  
"Really, what a coincidence," Jesse interrupted. "Did you know that Billy was the name of the bass player when Elvis made his first recording for Sun Records back in 1954? And, Humes was the name of Elvis' high school in Memphis."  
  
Billy didn't really care, but he felt that if he sounded interested, he might be able to make a sale. So, he said enthusiastically, "Really, I didn't know that."  
  
"Oh, yeah, well, the King of Rock and Roll is really big stuff with me. Now, I have my own band, but nobody beats the King," Elvis declared.  
  
"I'm sure they don't. Anyway, I was looking for the person who handles auto insurance . . . "  
  
"Really? Well, that's another coincidence. You know, we've got a car here in the kitchen," Jesse explained.  
  
Billy was intrigued. Here was someone who might be truly in need - the exact kind of customer he was looking for. "Well, we might be able to help. When Mr. Tanner is available..."  
  
"Well, if you want to come on over and help clean up this mess, you're welcome to, but I guarantee you, the person responsible will be doing most of it, you can be sure of that," Jesse said firmly.  
  
"Oh, no Sir, I meant in the area of insurance," Billy explained.  
  
"Well, here, let me put the owner on for you. Here you go, Joseph," Jesse said as he handed the phone to Joey. Before he could say it was probably an ad, Michelle began to walk over to the newly created opening. Given that there were potentially sharp pieces of wood and glass, Jesse quickly scooped her up and carried her to the living room to play. If Danny needed help in there, he could help there, too.  
  
Joey spoke into the phone. "Eh, what's up, doc?"  
  
"Oh, uh, hi." Why is this person talking like Bugs Bunny? Billy asked himself. Whatever the reason, it was a great impression. "Anyway, I'm with California Auto, how are you today?"  
  
"Oh, fine, doc, except my hole has a hole in it," Joey said, still doing Bugs.  
  
"I heard about the car. I'm sorry for the invoncenience." Billy was unsure what else to say. But, he'd been trained to stay on the line until he got a firm "no," and he was going to do that.  
  
Joey suddenly shifted to Popeye, momentarily unnerving Billy. "Yeah. I comes in here lookin' for me Olive, and whoa!" He chuckled like Popeye, then continued. "I gots to see if Rosie's okay now."  
  
Billy was at a loss now. He didn't want to be bothering people if someone was really hurt. He tried to back away from the situation gracefully. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize the driver still had to be checked out, I'll call back."  
  
"No, it's okay," Joey assured him in his normal voice. "There were no injuries."  
  
"But, I thought you said you needed to check on Rosie..."  
  
"Well, of course I need to check on my car!"  
  
Billy's look of confusion gave way to sudden recognition. "Oh, your car's name is Rosie."  
  
"Well, of course. She's all red - at least she was," Joey said. "Now she's just sort of...dust covered."  
  
As Joey was saying this, Kimmy Gibbler walked in from the living room. She was the Tanners' annoying next door neighbor, and D.J.'s best friend. "Hey, Tanners. So, how's your little hole in the wall?"  
  
Joey held up a finger as Billy spoke. "Anyway, Mr. Tanner, since the driver appears to be safe - and that is great news - I thought you might like to hear how you can protect Rosie from future accidents."  
  
"Sure. Do you insure eight-year-old drivers?" Joey asked seriously. "That kind of surprises me; I thought that would a little young for most insurance companies."  
  
"I'm...afraid I don't understand." Billy was at a total loss now. What did eight-year-olds have to do with anything? He knew that was way too young to drive. It didn't dawn on him that a child had back the car into the kitchen.  
  
Kimmy interrupted again. "Hey, hair boy in there said there was some guy on the phone. Is it that boy from biology class for D.J.?" she wondered. "Wait a minute - why wouldn't he call on D.J.'s phone?"  
  
Joey normally put up with Kimmy a little more than Danny or Jesse did. However, with his frustartion over the car, he didn't have the patience he normally did, especially since it could be a telemarketer. "No, actually, it's for you," he said, handing the phone to Kimmy.  
  
Kimmy gladly took the phone. She was D.J.'s age, but much wilder about guys. She was often more talk than action when it came to them, though. She grinned broadly. "Cool. Someone must know I'm over here all the time, anyway. I guess I don't have to give this number as my second line after all. Hello?"  
  
"Uh, hi, Mrs. Tanner?" Billy wasn't sure who he'd been given, but the voice sounded a lot younger than the gentleman he'd spoken to a moment ago.  
  
"No, it's Miss Gibbler. So, what do you look like, and how would you rate your kissing on a scale of one to ten?"  
  
Billy was beyond flustered now. He was totally bewildered. His mouth hung open like an airplane hanger. How would he draw attention back to the car in the kitchen - this family obviously could use his insurance company, couldn't they? "I don't know...seven???" he said, shocked. Pick a high number, but not too high, he told himself. But, don't go with the flow for too long.  
  
"What are you asking me for?" Kimmy hummed. "You sound like a college student."  
  
"Actually, I am working my way through college; I go part time," Billy explained, getting his mind back in gear.  
  
"Tell you what; give me your name and number, and I'll call you later this evening," Kimmy suggested.  
  
"Get off our phone, Gibbler. Go bug your own parents for a change," Jesse complained as he and Michelle walked into the kitchen. Jesse pulled out a phone book and began leafing through it. "One thing's for sure; we're going to have to order pizza tonight," he muttered.  
  
"Fine. Be that way. I came to borrow one of D.J.'s tapes. I'll see if she's upstairs." Kimmy put the cordless phone down on the table and left.  
  
Michelle picked up the phone. "Hello," Michelle said.  
  
"Uh, hi." Okay, Billy said, I know this is the voice of a child. At least I'm out of that Twilight Zone moment, whatever it was. "Is your Daddy home?"  
  
"Yes he is." Michelle stood silently with the phone in her hand for a moment.  
  
"Uh...can I talk to him?" Billy said after a long pause. He reminded himself that he had to be very specific.  
  
Michelle nodded her head. "Yes you may. When he gets done."  
  
"Oh...well, can you take..."  
  
"Did you know there's a car in our kitchen?" Michelle asked.  
  
"As a matter of fact, I did. I was going to ask him about that," Billy responded. Maybe this girl could take that short message to her dad.  
  
There was no such luck. After a moment, Michelle's mind wandered, as three-year-olds' did. "Mister, do you know how the cow goes?"  
  
Billy glanced sheepishly around him. He was afraid his employers would think he was nuts if he was overheard. "M-moo," he said very quietly.  
  
"Duh. The cow goes 'mooooooooooooo,'" Michelle said dramatically. "The duck goes 'quack, quack, quack,'" she said, walking around like a duck. "The rooster goes 'cock-a-doodle-doo.' And then all the farmers get up."  
  
"That's...lovely," Billy said. He was stuck in a barnyard and didn't know how to get out!  
  
"The horse goes 'neigh.' I rode a horse," Michelle said.  
  
"Really, that's nice. I like cars better..." Billy said, trying desparately to get back on track.  
  
"I rode an elephant for my third birthday," Michelle continued. "I can sing the ABCs, too. Do you want to here me?" Despite Billy's requests for Michelle to stop, Michelle began singing to him. Billy held his head in his hand, wondering how he'd gotten himself into this mess. "ABCDEFG, HIJKNMNOP..."  
  
Meanwhile, D.J. had been comforting Stephanie in their shared bedroom. She'd assured her that Danny would realize Stephanie felt terribly, but told Stephanie to let all her feelings be known. She knew Stephanie felt really bad; she hated herself for pushing that "R" button, thinking it meant radio. Stephanie felt she deserved to be punished much more severely than her dad would ever do; she'd "broken the house," after all, as Stephanie put it.  
  
D.J. wanted to make Stepahnie feel more comfortable. And, she wanted to let Danny know that Stephanie really felt awful. So, when she heard him approaching, she met him in the doorway. "Go easy on her, Dad. She's just a kid." Now, she told herself, Stephanie would feel a little more secure. And, Dad knows not to scream and holler too much, though he certainly will some.  
  
She met Kimmy in the hallway. "Oh, hi, Kimmy. Sorry, we can't use my room right now, Dad's in there reading Stephanie the riot act. Then he's going to have to throw the book at her."  
  
"What for?"  
  
"Well, you know that car in the kitchen," D.J. said hesitantly as they walked downstairs. "She put it there."  
  
Kimmy raised her eyebrows. "Whoa, baby. I can't imagine being in that much trouble."  
  
"Well, she is." D.J. walked up to Michelle as Kimmy left. "Michelle, who are you singing the ABC's to?" she asked.  
  
"The man on the phone. Would you like to talk to D.J.?" Michelle asked him.  
  
Billy was anxious to talk to anyone who wasn't a three-year-old after going through the long, grueling moments of questioning and then hearing the sounds of barnyard animals. "Sure. Is...that your Dad?" Billy winced. What a dumb question - no three-year-old would call their dad by their first name like that. But, he'd been unnerved by her other antics.  
  
However, at least this D.J. person could help him get back to the matter at hand, and take a better message than the little girl could.  
  
Michelle stayed on the line to answer his question. "Daddy's talking to Stephanie. She's in big trouble, Mister," Michelle said as she shook her finger.  
  
"What did she..." Billy asked. Before he could get the rest of question out, though, D.J. had taken the phone from Michelle.  
  
"...Do?" D.J. heard as she got on the line.  
  
"Sorry about that," D.J. said politely. "Were you calling for someone in particular?"  
  
The option of getting straight to the point so unnerved Billy that he almost forgot why he had called. "Oh...yes, I am in fact. I'm Mr. Tanner.. I mean, I'm from Tanner Auto, I'm calling about the California in your...I mean, I'm from California Auto, and I'm calling for Mr. Kitchen. I mean..." Take a deep breath, Billy told himself. He spoke very slowly. "My name is Billy Humes, and I am calling about auto insurance."  
  
"Well, I'm afraid there's no Mr. Kitchen here..."  
  
Billy got scared - were they going to hang up on him after all that? "Wait. I mean, I heard there was a car in your kitchen, Mr. Tanner. I mean, obviously, you're not Mr. Tanner..."  
  
"Slow down, and maybe I can take a message," D.J. suggested as she looked for a pen that worked.  
  
"Well, I represent California Auto, and I understand the owner of the car had a little accident in the kitchen; I think D.J. was the name of the car," Billy said. He hoped he had it right.  
  
D.J. laughed. "Actually, D.J. is in the kitchen. But, I'm D.J.." Billy began to sweat. However, D.J. relieved him with her pleasant demeanor. "The car is Rosie. Actually, here, let me put the owner on, he'll be here in a minute," D.J. said as she beckoned for Joey.  
  
"Oh, good, Mr. Tanner will be here shortly," Billy muttered, reminding himself - and his supervisor, who had walked over to see what was taking so long - of the person's name. He was thankful that this teen had been patient with him - he didn't know if the owner would be.  
  
"I'm sorry, do you want to speak to my dad, or the owner?" D.J. asked.  
  
"Wait...you're so patient with me here," Billy pleasded. "Please, help me out. Who would handle the auto insurance in your family?" Billy asked slowly. "That person is the one I want to speak to."  
  
D.J. nodded slowly. "Right. That would be my dad." She paused. "Unless it's not his car."  
  
Now we're getting somehwere, Billy told himself. "Please let me talk to the person who owns Rosie. I think I can help them because their premiums might go sky high after this," he said, hoping that D.J. was old enough to understand that term.  
  
D.J. told Billy to hold a second. After a moment, Joey got on the phone. "Hello?"  
  
Okay, Billy said to himself. This is the man who did the cartoon voices. So, be ready if he does one. "Sir, I'm Billy Humes, with California Auto."  
  
Joey was now thinking more clearly. It could be a call for he and Jesse. "Oh, yeah. Were you calling because our ad agency directed you to us?" Joey wondered.  
  
Billy began to get confused again - was this a business, after all? He quickly righted himself. "No, a-actually, I wasn't. I wanted to talk to you about auto insurance," Billy began.  
  
"And, Rosie needs some help, too. Boy, I can't believe this happened yet. I mean, you try to go to the store for a little touch-up paint..." He trailed off.  
  
Billy thought he understood now. Something had happened when the owner tried to drive the car to the store. "I see. Well, Mr...."  
  
"Gladstone. Joey Gladstone."  
  
"Mr. Gladstone, I'm sure you worry about your premiums now. But, I believe we can beat your current insurance rates," he said.  
  
His supervisor interrupted. He thought Billy should speak to the driver, to see what had in fact happened. That way, they'd know who or what was at fault.  
  
Billy complied. "Perhaps if I may speak to the driver...you were the driver, I assume," he asked, beaming with pride. Billy felt like a super salesman. He'd gotten through the weirdest minefield of people and events, and come out intact. Now, he would confidently deliver his sales pitch, and get a sale!  
  
"Yeah..." Joey said about the premiums. "Wait just a minute," he said, holding up a finger.  
  
"Now I'm on hold again," Billy told his supervisor. "But this should be an easy sale, once we talk to the driver," he said. His boss nodded.  
  
What Billy couldn't hear was what was happening in the Tanner kitchen while Joey held his hand over the phone. Danny had just come downstairs with a still tearful Stephanie. "You're going to help us clean up this mess, then you are going to stay in your room and eat dinner alone there while you think about how you tried to run away," he remarked. "The rest of your punishment will start tomorrow, then, including being grounded inside for a long while, though we won't have to keep you in your room the whole time or anything after school. And, I don't know when you'll get an allowance again. Here, we'll help you with the sharp edges and thing." He got out a broom and a dustpan for Stephanie.  
  
"Danny, there's a man on the phone about auto insurance," Joey explained. "He wanted to talk to the driver. I wasn't sure if this was a good time for Stephanie to learn what one of the consequences of her actions will be or not."  
  
Danny thought for a second. Stephanie already felt incredcibly bad. Her heart was tender enough, he'd not had to holler near as much as he could have. She readily accepted her punishment. He didn't want to torment her too much.  
  
Still, this would be a good lesson, one of many things they would have to talk about. And, she felt the need to apologize, so maybe this would be a way to help her heal, too. She did understand the basics of insurance. She'd been quite curious about why one had home insurance, from an ad Jesse and Joey had done the previous summer. He'd explained the principles behind it.  
  
"Sure, Joey. Steph, now you can talk to someone at an insurance company and say you're sorry to them, too," Danny suggested.  
  
Stephanie smiled thankfully as Joey said into the phone, "Here, I'll put the driver on for you."  
  
Billy and his supervisor grinned excitedly. Now, they would be able to present their sales pitch, and they would have an almost certain sale. "Yes, I'm sure we can save you a bundle on your insurance," Billy said before he heard the voice on the other end.  
  
Both men began to sweat profusely as the person - obviously also a young child - spoke. "Really? Even though I took a pretend drive, and pressed 'R' thinking it meant radio, and backed the car into the kitchen? How much do eight-year-olds have to pay for auto insurance?"  
  
"Uh.." As Billy stuttered, the flurry of images from before - the cartoon voices, the barnyard animals, the question about his kissing - swirled in his mind.  
  
"I'm sorry I made someone have to pay money to fix Joey's car. I know it was a really bad thing I did," Stephanie moaned into the phone. "I just can't believe they still love me after I broke the house like this," she said mournfully.  
  
Billy and his supervisor glanced at each other. What were they supposed to do now? They certainly couldn't sell auto insurance to an eighht-year-old. And yet, as she rambled on about how many privileges she was losing, and how thankful she was that her dad was still willing to hug her and kiss her, they realized they probably wouldn't get her off the phone.  
  
"Uh, that's wonderful, honey," Billy said absently. "I forgive you, too."  
  
"Thanks. Well, I have to go clean stuff up now. Goodbye." She hung up the phone.  
  
Billy held the phone for a moment. He'd just been hung up on in the strangest way he could imagine. As he explained to his boss everything else which had happened, he could reach only two conclusions. One, at least that incident had had a happy ending. And, two, "I think I'm going back to working at the restaurant. Now every time I call someone about insurance, I'm going to expect cartoon voices, little kids, barnyard animals, or people asking me to rate my kissing."  
  
"I know. Same here," his boss mumbled.  
  
"That man on the phone forgave me, too," Stephanie muttered as she began to sweep while D.J. took Michelle elsewhere and the men picked up broken pieces. "How could he? I mean, I can't even believe you do."  
  
Danny grinned as he knelt down to her level. "Well, honey, I imagine he knows the same thing we do. At times when kids seem the least lovable, that's when they need the most love. So they can learn to show it themselves." They embraced. 


End file.
